eat your heart out

strwbryxxgshes @ 2008-04-29T03:15:00

2008-04-29T03:23:05Z

Some people in life can be poisonous if you allow them to be. I feel like I can breathe without a backlashing. Right now I feel a little sad but I know its just leftover from the situation I was allowing myself to deal with. I know when I wake up tommorow ill feel at ease to breathe and be happy and feel that that's okay and be so blessed that I am happy about life, life is unpredictable and beautiful and if someone can't see that I feel for them, man I hope one day someone can open their eyes and transcend from the delusions of the worlds out to get you. Flowers while loved die, weeds while gated, flourish. You can take it as shit happens or that everything has things we can't change but choose to admire.

strwbryxxgshes @ 2008-04-27T16:08:00

2008-04-27T16:15:37Z

Now what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I understand people, that's my thing I understand feelings, thoughts, backgrounds, values. That's me, I know itgood.
And for once I understand you can't make everyone like you especially not everyone will want to befriend you. BUT that doesn't mean you can allow them to make you feel bad. I can understand you being hurt and I made the situation as best as I could and left room for you to react because I understand you need to blow some steam, but I don't stand for you, I stand for myself and if you purposefully try to say things that are extreme expect a extreme response. I respect your faults, I respect you , I respect your individuality, but I will not stand for your disrespect towards me.

You move and grow, sometimes people that care the most do leave your life but they leave one of the best things with you, wisdom.

good family closeness

2008-04-20T14:40:44Z

last night was so beautiful. my cousin looked like a cake in her dress, i had to touch it to make sure it wasnt frosting. she looked changed, her face her greetings her smiles, i dont even know and it made me real happy. we all sat and talked with everyone shared stories about old boyfriends, good friends, subjects at matter, life in general. it was a beautiful thing. my aunt who i havent seen since her and my uncles divorce was there and i sat by her for the whole thing and couldnt stop hugging her.
even though chad and terrence arent part of my moms side of the family they fit right in because really, their part of ours so it would make sense that they were more than comfortable.

besides all the super strong mixed drinks we partook of, the dancing was genuine, i didnt need drinks in me for that. the tossing of the bouquet was totallt rigged, besides a couple of elbows hitting me fast in the ribs and back it was so fun to run and no grip heels sliding across smooth floor in my decked out dress.

i feel really good about feeling good. i feel me coming back through all the smog and cloudiness in my head from the boys that didnt necessarily fit in with me. im certain this is what i want. TO LIVE! this morning i woke up. made coffee and went outside to watch the sunrise, and i heard a erblgrrbbll and went closer to look and this squirrel, who was i guess brave got really close to me and started making weird sounds and acting like a dog, scratching its back and like hah it was so funny. it stayed with me for a good 5 minutes , id make a sound and hed make a sound. its a nice start to a beautiful sunday.

windy saturday morning

2008-04-19T14:10:01Z

:] today my cousin gets married

i havent had the best relationship with her, she mightve actually not even known but im quite sure as the sun rises she felt the complete disconnect. when it comes down to it, i could totally not like her lack of respect for the family, her fake boobs that she begged her dad for, her habbit of buying clothes and never using them. but, she is the daughter of my aunt who i know is a good person, shes like my mom but in me form hah. and family is the heart of everything, i just hope that she learns alot from her husband and helps her be a better person, she deserves to be happy, everyone does, maybe this was the right time in life for her to change. in a huge drastic form. i hope for the best for them.

take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere.
thats when ill be ready for a relationship. when someones interesting hahahah.
i like boring guys, and that ends today. TODAY.

ahh i love life way too much<3

sensational feeling of aliveness

2008-04-16T14:15:30Z

you need to find yourself at least once in your life.
the only person that can find you is you with your own hands and head.

right now i feel like i have half of a puzzle solved but i dont even have the other pieces to even start piecing it all together, which is fine because i like eating trailmix and sipping tea in between sessions. the family is doing well which is relieving from what it used to be, family really is everything, its the base of anything and you go on from there.

life is beautiful when you do take the time and push every single thing aside and breathe, take it in and reevaluate what you really are appreciative of, make a list smile, its not a bad thing to smile with anything that makes you happy. even if you look weird smiling at some random time, nobody knows what youre smiling about, but im sure theyll smile too. the world is huge, and i hope that the people that do wake up and say, why did i wake up or drag on with their day , sometime soon i hope they realize theirs so many reasons to be anxious to wake up and theirs always something to take in and appreciate in life, life does go by fast momemts dissapear within seconds like frames in a movie, you can never relive each moment, but you can choose to fill all those frames with new places, new people, new foods, new hobbies, new loves, new activites.

im stoked about finding more places to hike and looking forward to rafting

strwbryxxgshes @ 2008-04-09T20:12:00

2008-04-09T20:25:04Z

I am sitting outside the 2200 building and enjoying the sounds of birds enjoying things and trees swaying , I like seeing petals fall and just relaxing with noone around.

Actually, this guy just started up his lawn mower, but still in between laughs and chirps and occasionally people coming outside to talk all crazy like on the phone it is more enjoyable then being inside. Me and kate spent some good time together yesterday shared some jokes and painful faces, it was refreshing, now everything is refreshing becaus each moment is a new moment, its not something that's allready happeened bc I'm living in this moment now. Now usually iid crush that beatle that is crawling near my foot but why do I care so much to end something. I'm taking things real easy with niles, its not a relationship but o can relate to him so I guess its relations hah.

My phones about to run out of battery , I love lil wayne.fin.

helter skelter

2008-04-08T16:10:30Z

today is a day that i know ill enjoy, not that i dont enjoy everyday of course, but today i get to spend time with kate which is rare now. im on my second cup of coffee, noone covered my bird last night and i slept 13 hours, i would like a new pair of jeans and a purple tshirt :)

i like niles hes a nice kid, however, yes however , im just gonna run with this one, i dont look in the future but in relationships i do, i dont know what it is hah im going to stop at this very moment, and if things go sour, then they go bc thats how life is, and i can only do so much but im happy right now

i imagine

2008-03-31T13:20:14Z

noone can guide me into a relationship, im not sure if anyone else coaxes people into them hah. i dont know i feel like whenever something has come up im trying to be coaxed into one like im an untame giraffe or something. i know i owe myself to enjoy my life as is, and im so happy with that. maybe this is the one person ive felt like its a chance missed, but for sure deep down i feel like theres no second guessing on me being fair and saying, you know this really isnt fair and let him know im not looking for a relationship.

dear prudence,
Greet the brand new day
the swun is out
the sky is blue
its beautiful and so are you.

dear prudence
wont you come out to [play.

dear prudence
open up your eyes
dear prudence
see the sunny skies.

the wind is low
the birds will sing

that you are part of everything. dear prudence wont you open up your eyes. :) look around.

strwbryxxgshes @ 2008-03-15T06:50:00

2008-03-15T13:56:18Z

the earth is is warm, next to my ear.
insect noise is all that i hear.
a magic trick makes the world dissapear.
the skies are dark, their dark but their clear.

Cold water, cleaning my wounds
A sad parade with a single balloon
I'm done with this I'm counting to ten
Bluest seas running to them

I feel like I am watching everything from space
And in a minute I'll hear my name and I'll wake
I think the finish line's a good place we could start
Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want.

:) im content with this, people, family, work, and now im working on school.
i accepted this is how things flow and i can flow with that. i think ill take ashley hiking with me, i think itd help her, and id most enjoy it.

:)

2008-03-13T14:19:41Z

yesterday i went to oakland and san francisco with my brother, it was nice. i especially enjoyed getting sandwiches and eating under a tree like we were wild coyotes haha.

today is going to be neat, going to mission peak after school and spending the rest of the day breathing in good air :)

dandelion

2008-03-09T14:02:11Z

"thia ia where we should be"

i want to feel light as a feather

over

2008-03-07T14:59:05Z

over over, i contnually strive for better, i will get there and it will be rewarding along the way, how could i get so far and not realize all that was passing by. im fine with it though because if im not focused enough it will always happen. i want to feel little desire, no sadness, aknowledge suffering and stay at that mindset

good luck

2008-03-06T14:42:45Z

to me and others
tommorow, tommorow, i pray for tommorow to be okay, i pray eyes are opened, i pray hearts are found or at least a piece of it, i pray i can be there. i always pray for these things but tommorows going to need to find all those lost prayers. i do hope for the best outcome i do ezpect struggle. life is suffering and when you can be ready for it you can see it with a clear mind and know how to embrace it and let it go.

im not going to mexico on the thought of its not in my expenses, bb needs to take putting aside money seriously. i know peoples situations difer from mine, and im fine with that . life is like this so i can learn to be dependent on myself and feel completely comfortable with that trust. id love to see mexico again but i dont want to miss my grandma and her little easter lunch haha<3 aaah i love love love her. and i want to be here with friends who i know better, ive been losing a lot with someone, im not even sure what their life is like anymore, its like having a house phone still and the other person got a cellphone, so youre call will never be the same number or the same thing. i really do hope all decisions made on her part are the best she can make and thats all i can hope for. i do hope she can fend for herself but that has only taken her so far in other situations, but who knows maybe shes gotten wiser in a month hah

my peace of mind isnt attached with worrying about others minds

we drift deeper into the sound

2008-03-05T14:55:54Z

im feeling im getting there :) little by little i can become more at peace before all this happened

:)

2008-02-29T15:10:00Z

i need, to find a way to have someone in womens history trade a speech day with me so i can go to mexico.
i am going into this with positivity beaming off me.

i want indian food soooo badly, i need to clean my room, and i cant wait for this summer.

i need to start hiking soon, the weathers so beautiful:)

on a sidenote, my sidekick has been dropped way too many times and the screen shuts down when it wants. so if you send me a text message i might respond or not, but if its super important just call. i dont ignore texts so youll know.

this morning

2008-02-28T14:46:47Z

is beautiful. i woke up a 330. called marc so someone else could be up with me and fed the cat. sat outside with my coffee and watched the sunrise with ol friendly. i have a midterm and im not in the least bit nervous, like our teacher said we know what we know. what is there to be anxious or nervouse about.

im looking forward to mexico and tattoos,haircuts,birds, and chili red nail polish.

que sera .por que? porque me encanta mi vida.

<3love for all

fog cleared

2008-02-25T14:09:41Z

you cant force someone to be in a relationship with you. i really dont like to say that, we cant be friends. i think it was supposed to be like that from the begginging.

once i kicked him out of my car and drove home from work it was like all the fog he created in my mind became clear weather, and i felt so balanced. there was no possible way around not being balanced when someone likes fighting with you , manipulates you, tries to force you to be in a relationship and when you say no, they wait. my conscience cant have that. o, super happy and content now though. i feel like i just finished a massive test and know that i wont have it again.

the thing i never thought about was, i never started this whole thing, he just took over my life and demanded to stay there. bee bee doesnt like that.

im balanced again :)

yesterday

2008-02-15T15:36:57Z

was beautiful
i woke up and woke ash up ,while driving to the top of the world we listened to a lot of break up songs haha how cute when we got there we tried to smoke cigarettes, resulting in me bending down into a unknown hole on the ground and laying in the grass, while ashley ran to the bottom because she couldnt handle mother natures nurturing winds...2 minutes later i ran down as well haha my eyes were watering i could barely see, my body hurt from how cold it was. but between the blows of wind and pain freeze frames of my life that are beautiful. on the way down we listened to country music.
went to see jumper? which was the one movie that made me...jealous because until then i didnt realize that i would want the power of jumping.
took her home and gave my dad chocolates, and in return he said " i know you dont want jewlerey and i know you dont want candy so i got you this, i hope you like it" and he gave me a huge thing of trailmix :) i couldnt be happier honestly. i love trailmix haha

then i went to joshs' and we went on a walk and talked about injuries and out damn spots. he reminds me of ashley in a guy way, but shes not monotone haha, then i ...let this be recorded and documented hence why im writing in my lj....i bianca munoz beat josh at chess for once, and he went full force. and i beat him, but i didnt know that he would show signs of biterness, his dad walks in and says so whats up meat and i said, oh nothing except i beat josh at chess and hes being bitter and his dad said, makes sense his grandpa is a poor sport, thus reassuring me i was right haha.
went to go to shoe world? where and employee said, " i hate valentines day, because the reason of noone pays attention to my birthday, i cant do anything about it so i just get depressed every year, and it doesnt make it any better that all my gfs have dumped me around this time" so i popped my head around the corner wall of shoes and said, happy birthday, im sorry, i love you and never let people affect your birthday and popped my head back out and all i hear is hahaha...wow that was cool.

then we went to indian food, and let me tell you. my heart is in indian food, ive never been happier eating. something really hot touched my lip and josh goes " uuh meat, your lip is red" and i was like *points to left corner* just that spot huh and hes like yeahh and i was like oh this is so embarassing i knew my lip felt hot and he proceeds to go " and now your entire face is red because youre embarassed" and i ran to the girls bathroom haha

all in all aside from getting super sick from what i ate, it was delicious, beautiful, nail biting, vomitting perefect.

i know you

2008-02-09T15:34:12Z

so better than the city in the rearview.
its nice to reunite and it sets my mind straight.

im not going to lose anyone that i tried to keep from now on.

but sometimes you have to let people go to better their life.

in other news, my backpack came in the mail. sooo sweet haha its going to make my full dys a breezeee

yesterday

2008-01-30T14:15:02Z

was perfect, i had 2 of my classes, made a awesome poem about chocolate, its not even the poem that itself was awesome, what made it awesome was 3 poeple put it together. the teacher said each of us should take an element and develop ideas together and make a poem. me and this kid look at each other and were both on the same page and said no no no. SO, i say a line, you feel off of what i say and then you go with it, freestylin girl. it was , fuck haha i loved it. then after me and kate went to matsu sushi? let me tell you. i neveer thought eel would taste so good.

from now on i refuse to stay in practice, habits, safeness. i want to fully take in life as it should be. the only thing that kinda bummed me out was our little squid ocotpus guy wasnt deep fried, he came out as big as ever and just covered in sauce haha.

idhfkhsdf

2008-01-29T17:04:32Z

i want to go soooooooooo many places right now its unthinkable to sit down and make a list. im appreciating life for waht it is and helping others along the way. and i totally love the mars volta new cd haha sooo good.
today, i am going out for suhsi and im totally going to eat eel or like something ive never had, because now more then ever i want some flavor in my cofee if you understand what i mean. thats a bad phrase but im drinking coffee at the moment so i felt it fit well.

i love everyone i know right now and i have a good feeling about meeting more people.

whew

2008-01-25T16:40:40Z

lately things have been positive for a majority of the time, i love love love overcast crazy weather but when you have bangs and the wind is blowing and rain is feeling like its spitting in your face trying to push you away from your classes, its a journey to each class haha. in 2 of my classes i had little claustrophobic attacks, first time ever.
josh is someone who i like spending time with almost as a good balance, when im feeling in a hectic mood its awesome to just hang out and play chess while eating burritos.
i think at this point in time i will be hanging out with him more because all this weather is making things ctazzzzy.

im glad things are going as they are, i feel on track and focused which is so what i havent felt in a long time. i cannot wait til the weather is overcast but not raining or sunny and warm thats when i can get in my mode of the biancas butterfly effect.

i talked to travis yesterday and that was unexpected because even 3 years can hold so much against someone. all these years i havent overthought anything about him bc i felt it wasnt worth figuring out, ive tried to make ammends at times but it seems like his friends are his defense and thats all he needs, but just like me last night he said a lot of things that i knew knew knew shouldve bothered him, i know he isnt a completley emotion prone person. he said " not everyone is as talkative as you bianca, you want to hear why i treat you lilke a "jerk" because you walk right past me everytime i see you or if you do make eye contact you quickly look away almost like im diseased, and you wonder why i dont write fat apragraphs about how was your day, i miss you we should hang out, theres no effort on your half youve never wanted to hang out with me, so go ahead and think i am a jerk, i havent changed one fucking bit" and i read this and just kind of scoffed, ive asked in the past if he would like to accompany me places and hes never wanted to which is fine with me because i didnt expect him to jump at it. and i told him between all this, youre just as talkative as me and it isnt a bad thing at all. and ive tried to keep in touch with you because i conencted so much with the person i knew a while ago who was so funny, wasnt afraid to admit yeah he loved country music and befriended everyone and ,you used to be happier. thats what i see has changed and im sorry for laying that on you. and if you sign off id be okay with you storming off because i said what i wanted you to hear for 3 years.
and then he said goodbye and signed off, mind you the only reason he messaged me is because he had been drunk since 4 and wanted something to sober him up. so this is one of the reasons why we never talk , only when no other options are open and he realizes oh wait we are neighbors.

honestly i wish he would clean up his life and be a nurse like he wanted and gave up on, he was happy when he was studying medicine and whatnot, it was nice to hear he was doing somethinf he liked.

hopefully

2007-12-11T16:18:00Z

family is stronger than other things.
Hope is all i have right now for anything.

Usually i have some sense of direction where im going, this is probably the most scared ive ever been. because i dont know where its going or could go or anything.

strwbryxxgshes @ 2007-12-08T09:31:00

2007-12-08T17:32:26Z

i bought my dad, a giant remote that the numbers glow in the dark so he can see them. he laughed and i can tell hes relieved he doesnt have to buy one for himself haha

i dont know how todays going to go, but hey none of us really do.

fuck

2007-12-07T14:11:27Z

the last 12 hours, have been the toughest this year. ive cried, sweat, held hands and didnt like it, got a ds, broke down in the rain, phone died, intervention, heart broken.

at exactly 12:15 last night i cried in my car , i was holding it in all day, and after i got off the phone with my mom, i just collapsed. it didnt feel good, or bad, it just happened.

alot of things ended last night,m family wise, and things i wont take anymore. its for the better, but right now it doesnt feel like it. i got 4 hours of sleep, and i have to open work. I didnt have a bad day, i had like 10 bad experences one after the other. the positive thing, is i just let it take its course, i didnt let it freak me out, make me mad, make me extremely sad...i just rolled with the punches because this is one of the situations where you somehow see the light and recognize that, you getting worked upo over something doesnt do anything but upset you, and you can be really positive about things but when one bad thing after another happens it feels like youve been skating and you keep on falling but getting up and you made the mistake of wearing ankle socks and youre just in so much pain, eventuallly you sit out.

i really hope today is better